To my unborn son,

Experiment with drugs; drink yourself to within an inch of death and back on a random Tuesday; try all the weird things in bed and film it. Swear often but defend your lover's honour with your fists and not your words.

Understand the value of having good work ethics and the importance of material things for happiness. Spend at least some part of your life swamped with so much work that you need therapy. Miss your therapy sessions. Self-prescribe often and tell yourself no one could possibly know your body better than you.

Be as self-destructive as society tells you you shouldn't be, and a destructive force for everyone around you. Treat no one any better than they deserve and dole out judgment as you see fit. Son, someday they'll read out your accomplishments at your funeral and it better include "Drank, snorted, worked, ate and fucked his way into a heart attack."

Your proud and loving father,